Quinie's Lifestory.

2009-09-01T14:10:00.003+08:00

=.=

Hello! :D
I'm back blogging, and uhm,

JUST AN UPDATE:
I've moved to:

http://quinielim.onsugar.com

Not much of a change though, except that I will be updating the blog on onsugar more often. :D

For those who understand the next line, this is for you:
Dont get me wrong, blogger's been giving me problems, so. Haha, (:

2009-08-30T18:48:00.001+08:00

Today felt different, for the better or for worse, I dont know.

But I hope I'm getting stronger as time goes by.

They say time will heal every wound, and even scars. Just in a matter of time.

So would comments that sometimes hurt, by people around you eventually take no effect on you after some time, too?

Or rather, would you gradually get immune to this pain or feel numbness?

By the way, I'm not angry with you, darling. (:

Just, for every time you say sorry, I'll say it's okay.

So every time 'sorry' is just a word to you, so would 'it's okay' be to me. Just two words.

And Joshua Chen.

Thank you for your company to Hougang Mall.

And the chocolates and sweets. :D

We've been from friends, to not friends and to friends again.

Thank you, for being there, anws. (:

2009-08-22T19:50:00.001+08:00

It's been a happening day! :D
So much to talk about.
But I'm tired.
So here's some lyrics, and goodnight! (:

Eternal Flame.
By The Bangels

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

I believe it's meant to be, darling
I watch when you are sleeping, you belong to me
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?

Say my name, sun shines through the rain
A whole life so lonely, and then you come and ease the pain
I don't want to lose this feeling

Say my name, sun shines through the rain
A whole life so lonely, and then you come and ease the pain
I don't want to lose this feeling

Close your eyes and give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?

Is this burning an eternal flame?

An eternal flame?

(Close your eyes and give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?
Do you feel the same, am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?)

They dont understand.

2009-08-20T21:37:00.002+08:00

Misunderstood and doubted; underestimated and looked down upon. Don't worry, I'm not shattered, just a little disapppointed.

Stabbing words, that escapes the lips of your so-called friend and a strong tone perhaps intending to provide a direct feedback for one's good, but it pierces right through your pretense and even threatens to take you down in a single blow. Intimidated, it would be just human to take a step back, to have a better view of what's happening. You put on a brave front, smile and maybe tell her she doesn't get it. Maybe because you believe one would never truly feel what someone else is actually going through unless you walk in a thousand miles in his shoes. However, she repeats her stand, that you're just an empty shell, without a soul because she feels like your heart's elsewhere. God knows what she was trying to say. But deep down inside, you know you're trying your best to live it up and laugh it off. Biting your lip, you tell her she doesnt understand, so perhaps she shouldnt comment. She sighs then shakes her head. It feels like she's trying to bring you down and it's pushing your limits because you need encouragements more than these painful words. You know you shouldnt let what others stay on you, but they do, anyway. You deserve to be happy, like everyone else, and you know it will get better. But failing to be patient is getting on my nerves. And you feel like someone's always getting the upperhand and you're sick of it. You want to get up there too. Now you know why it is always easier to put down than to pick up. Because to put down, all you have to do is just to let go.

Was just complaining.
I feel better already, btw. (:

2009-08-18T20:14:00.006+08:00

"Don't look back now. Smile hun, I still love you. Hee. :)"

Today wasn’t so nice, I’m feeling weird.
Chemistry sucked. ._. It was so tough, everyone said so.
But I think I’m the one with one of the most number of questions left blank.
Like, oh, how sweet! Dang it. D:
I don’t really know what to do now, I’m not supposed to be discouraged.
But being human, I think doing badly affects me as much as everyone and anyone else. =/
I really need to get down to serious business. My results are like, crap, really.
Anyway, I still wanna thank Alice, because she did make me feel better, heh. O:
And Cody and his lame jokes and stupid laughter and comments on eyeliner. =.= haha!
And Joshua, thank you for wanting to buy me breakfast. (: Sorry, we havent met up ever since you got back, we will soon.
Together with the rest of the group kay! :D

After everything’s happened today, I came to a conclusion:
Nothing satisfies this world, as much as how it would never satisfy.

Feels like it’s getting worse, don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong.

2009-08-17T18:48:00.002+08:00

"Over it, lovely."
*sniffs* Alice. ):

Help help help! HELP. D:
Today sucked quite a bit of a lot.
I don't want to think about it, so I won't elaborate.

One glance of memory;
Emath teacher, Mr Poh, taught us Amath today.
And so, my mind didnt actually adjust and
i forgot that we're using the Amath textbook.
Quinie: (Why does this question look so odd?) Mr Poh,
why this question..uh, how to do?
Mr Poh: Wah, you so fast here already ah. *sniggers*
Quinie: But you wrote there.. *points to the board*
Mr Poh: Aiyo! *controls laughter, headache posture, walks away*
Quinie: *pauses, recollects.*
Jeztine: Amath textbook. *gives the =.= face*
Quinie: Oh! *blushes scarlet*
Then the whole class laughed at me, ): embarrassed. D:

And my chinese test! Omigosh. ):
I didnt finish the paper.
I think it was about 15 marks worth of questions. D:
Cos of the freaking summary.

And we, what's wrong with us now?

I didnt work my way up here, braving through it all, just to fall again.
Dont intend to fall on. Won't be falling on.

2009-08-15T22:00:00.002+08:00

“Ahbeng." :D

He said he’s an asshole. Because he hasn’t been doing enough,
and I’ve been giving in all the time.
He sees what I’ve done for him, but mysteriously
forgets how much he’s done too.
I thought it’s always the other way round? How selfless, this young man.
I wonder why, his patience never gets exhausted.
No matter how I try to pick a fight, things will calm down within a day.
No matter how I never forget the past, and raked it up for my fun,
he hasn’t blamed me once.
No matter how unreasonable I am, he’ll say “it’s okay”.

I remember reading his slight complaining text messages, telling me how lonely he feels because we don’t spend much time together.
It hurts, the way it is. Yet again, he lets go of it,
and braves through the period of time.
And as for me, I got away with it again, scot-free.
I remember how he got angry for the first time in two months, and the way he apologized first, even though I was at fault.
I know that in certain aspects, we’re worlds apart. But I’m respected and understood.

There’s so much more to say, but those I don’t have to state.
For it will always be kept close to me, and deep in my heart. (:

2009-08-14T15:14:00.000+08:00

“Oei, what’s that face for man. You should put like, -.-“
“Lols, why?”
“Huh. Single eyelid ma.”
Dumb NZ-Liew. =.=

I realised Dad’s like a form of support.
Gentle love and concerned, less worrying yet protective.
When Mom gets too strict and you’re on the verge of bursting, Dad just comes in and jokes around till you’re all relaxed again.
He seems to understand when you need some extra privileges and does all that is within his ability.
Mom is firm and tries everything to get you to the top of the charts, academically and character building.
Family fits like a jigsaw. :D

2009-08-13T22:18:00.004+08:00

"Does it change? No, it doesn't change a thing."

Nothing's changed.
Be it good or bad.
Extract me, from reality.

2009-08-12T21:26:00.003+08:00

"Honey, breathe."

Shouldnt have. Shouldnt have. Shouldnt have.
Why is it always me, regretting and aching.
When is this gonna stop? I need an eraser, an undo button in my life.
Things cant carry on this way, I'll lose my sanity just going on like this.
It's not easy for me, it's not as simple as it seems.

Confidence, down the drain.
It's not comments from people, it's how i let them affect me.
I know I'm not supposed to let it stay on me, like the story he once told me.
But I'm releasing control of my thoughts, why?
Someone, tell me not to lose my grasp.

Words, from me, are hurting others.
I should have watched what I'm saying.
I stared at the reflection in the mirror, I'm a changed person.
But I dont like that girl I see.
She's not the way I want her to be.
I'm screaming, a slow motion picture even as i break into a run.
I cant escape.

I musn't let history repeat itself.

And I, I'm sorry. For all the hurt I've caused.

Excruciating. And I cant, cant breathe.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.

2009-08-10T20:46:00.000+08:00

~~11.3oam~~ 1pm. AMK library. AMK Hub.

You laughed more than usual today, though I don’t really know what I did. O:
But I’m glad we’re enjoying the time spent together; no matter where we are and what we’re doing, and how short the time.
I liked everything about today: from the quiet mrt ride, to the smiles on our faces and your laughter.
The walk to the library and lemon barley; reading my Physics textbook and not concentrating.
The HDB block walks and talks, and just having you next to me.
AMK hub and curry puffs till it was time to call it a day.

I had fun, I love today. Thank you! :D
I love you.

2009-08-07T21:03:00.001+08:00

So I act cool, on the outside. But it’s eating me alive..

Today, Quinie realizes how far far FAR from ‘perfect’ or even ‘good enough’ she is. D:
Apologies, are worth NOTHING. Because, they don’t help at all.
And often, apologies don’t mend damages. So why say sorry?
When nothing saves and efforts put in are in vain?
It hurts, the way it is. But I cant complain. Because this feeling cant be put into words.
Beyond comprehension, and torturing, time to let go, I know.
But easier said than done.

2009-08-04T20:55:00.002+08:00

I’m letting go of what you know of.

I PASSED MY PHYSICS, for the first time in two and a half years of secondary school. :D

But other than that, my day hasn’t been that awesome. ):
I’m feeling pretty much useless just sitting here, and I’m thinking to myself the reasons why.
Could it be not completing my Emath homework?
Or the Chemistry test I’m not confident in?
Or perhaps, the dance steps I missed during choir?
Or maybe that comment he made over the phone. D:
With a heart shutting its doors, unwilling to speak to me tonight, it’s hard to figure out why.
I’m not struggling, not suffocating, not hurt.
If it is a heartache I’m feeling, I must be liking the pain. O:

I'm fine, really.
Just a feeling. (:

2009-08-01T21:47:00.003+08:00

"I can't unlove you."

The day started off as early as 5.3oam. O:
Met SHENGHAN(: at Serangoon mrt.
He was wearing shades in the station. D: hehe.
City Hall to Esplanade to Merlion to Victoria Concert Hall to Clarke Quay to Dhoby Ghaut. Blah blah blah. :D
The day's been busy and tiring, but fun. (:

Oh, and SHENGHAN(: 's nephew's got pretty eyes! :D

And I'm sorry for rushing off to Suntec.
I never actually thought of how you'd be displeased, much more to this extend.
But the way I've been trying to please everyone around me, not changing any routines but only adding on more, it's wearing me thin down to the core.
You said you understand, but you just dont like it the way it is.I'm not asking for much, but I need time: Because I'll find a way and get through this somehow.
But first, support me by being more understanding and tolerating.
For just this period of time?

I love you.

2009-07-30T21:18:00.002+08:00

All of a sudden, I felt like I’ve died.
Looking around, I didn’t see that blinding white light.
“Okay, I suppose I’m not dead.”
Just enveloped by thick, sinister darkness, with a question asked over and over again, by agonized voices.
“What do you think you should do now?”

I stopped short, stunned, realizing there’s no where I can run.
Stepped back, intending to hide; a sudden spotlight, and I’m forced into putting up a fight.
I spun around, only to come face to face with never ending nothingness.
Falling to my knees, humiliated, I screamed.
All that I’ve held back, I’m letting it show.

I, I’m not living my life anymore.
Maybe because as much as I’m hating it, I’m not in control of it anymore.
I’m not living for me, I’m not being answerable to myself, or God.
It’s you.
My life is all about fulfilling your expectations and doing what you want me to.
Why? When all I needed was just a bit more of everything I’d like?
Is it so difficult to show that little bit of concern in what I’m feeling?
You said you’ve been my age; so do you understand the need for a lesser restrictions? Teenage love affair? Stress with coping at school? Peer pressure?
Oh no, I suppose you didn’t have all these in YOUR time.
Haha, I guess it’s a new era.

I love you.

2009-07-30T20:37:00.004+08:00

“Go girl!! Love you. :-)”

I wont blog about anything today.
Because there's too much that happened, yet too little to say.

So..
THIS POST IS FOR ALICE(: and ALICE(: alone. :D

Thankyou, AL(: .
For being there when I needed someone to talk to, so bad.
I never felt so vulnerable before. O:
Thankyou for the text messages today, they were really cheery and it did a whole lot of good to me. (:
And I want you to know, how much I enjoy all the times we’ve shared together. The way I can be myself every time I’m around you; the way you tell me everyone else don’t matter.
Babe, know what? I’m so so so in love with you! :D

And I'm sorry, I'm sorry i lost my temper today.

2009-07-27T20:03:00.002+08:00

“Fuinie.”
Stupid FELAINE(: so freaking called me Fuinie today. ):

I found something on the newspaper today:
“…I promise to you that I will forever be by your side. I will comfort you in your pain, encourage you in your dreams. I will be your defender, your best friend and, most of all, your never-ending fountain of love.”
“I love you and if the last six and a half years are anything to go by; I cant wait for the rest of our lives.”
Yep, it’s Vernetta Lopez’s wedding, and it's awesome sweet! :D

Haha, and so..
As obvious as it is, me and mom were fine as soon as the day begun. (:
It was bad hair day, anyways. ):
Yeah, my hair’s never had good day, I get it. ._.
Anyways, school was pretty okay.
I didn’t finish my fishball noodles during recess though, and didn’t finish the honeydew I bought too. Which was quite unusual of me. O:
It’s okay, cos pastor said, “If you feel condemned to eat it, don’t eat it.”
HURHUR, :D

Debate after school was interesting.
The motion, by the way, was something like relating academic success to a successful career.
Our team was good, but one of our opponents said 3E5 and 3E6 were lazy people and should first buck up ourselves.
I commented for her to lick the floor for that, and regretted right away. Sorry, ._.
But I wish nobody would say that again, because it’s unfair if you’re saying that from an outsider’s point of view. And because you are from one of the better classes.

Choir was quite tiring today, or maybe I was tired.

My today. :D

2009-07-26T20:02:00.001+08:00

Someday, if you’d stop hitting me like you do, I’d be thankful. Because now, you’re making me feel like academics are more important than who I am as a person. You’re throwing punches at me because you’re feeling stressed up now, not because I’m not doing my work anymore. I’m not judging, neither am I blaming you. I know it because I feel the way you’ve lost control of yourself. If you were being the mom you are, you would have considered the strength you’re using. And you wouldn’t be using your fist, it would be your palms. And just slaps, not punches. You ever told me using your palm will let know you know the force you’ve applied.

Look now, you’ve lost it.

You are, a good mother. Everyone says so too, and I appreciate you, a lot. But sometimes, like now, I forget the reasons why I’ve thanked God for you.
It will come back to me, I know. (:
And it’s useless saying I’ve given up hope on the relationship between you and me, because everyone knows we’ll be fine again after a while.

As much as I know it, I’ve been at my best, fighting my very own instincts to fight back. I’ll never try to hit you back, I’ll never shout back at you. I’ll never want to. Someday when I lose it and scream at you to stop, I need you to know how much I don’t mean it.

2009-07-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

“And then all of a sudden, I can show you the world, shining shimmering splendid. Tell me, princess, now when you did last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder..”

Hillsong Concert!
AWESOME. It was so much fun. :D
Except for the part BECCA(: , JOSHUA(: and me missed the first few songs. O:
Because MOM(: allowed us to go for a quick dinner.
Pastor Judah Smith was the speaker. He was really funny, and his message was absolutely easy to understand.
After the concert, we went to have dinner.
Then home. (:

2009-07-24T20:06:00.002+08:00

"With my every heartbeat."

School was as per normal.
Lessons felt a little shorter cos today's Friday. O:
I kinda slacked during choir, because I have a sore throat. :D

I can't remember what homework I have today.
Except for Physics. Because I asked CHONGYANG(: already.
I still cant remember. D:
Oh, well.

We're pretty okay now, I suppose.
Except for some damage done that cannot be pardoned.
So now, something's missing and nothing's gonna be the same again.
Is that it? ):

2009-07-20T19:49:00.002+08:00

"Ooh, someone's got herself in deep shit, just fallin' deeper."
"Uhm, thanks man, Al."

Hello, I'm blogging! :D
School was pretty okay, except for the feeling that wouldnt leave me.
I wanted so much just to scream for it to leave me.
Except it was in my head, and you couldnt possibly scream at your head.
Haha, that's most of the day.

I know, I shouldnt be feeling this way.
But I just cant do it, yet.
New age, it is. I know, the 21st century.
I just havent got used to it, I suppose.
Dont know why I'm feeling it only now, but I am, anyway.
It's not right of me, too. To be thinking what I'm thinking right now.
I'm brushing it away, and doing my best at it.
It will go away sooner or later, I guess.
But just, just not now.

2009-07-16T18:48:00.002+08:00

Tired.

A heart i vowed to protect, and yet I..

2009-07-15T20:41:00.007+08:00

School was okay; it's slack day again. :D
Completed a piece of work during art lesson.
It's an accomplishment, kay. I hardly finish even a piece. O:
So all in all, I thought I did pretty well today, except for O-level's oral.
The feeling before I took the exam could've killed me.
And I want to thank MDM.ZHANG(: for her encouragement and comfort. (:

What do I do now, this feeling's overwhelming, knocking my sanity over.
I need to do something, but there's nothing that can be done physically.
Not when they are matters of the heart, because the pain is inflicted within.
It's a huge blind spot, and I cant make up my mind if I want to risk it.
I'm not perfect.
And frankly, I dont have ways to make sure you know I care.
Even when I'm trying not be too much by asking so many questions.
Having things both ways isnt exactly my point.
There's just a pain that does something to this heart.

This, is the first heartbreak of this something I think we call love.

2009-07-14T20:21:00.005+08:00

"Just forget it, she'll realise them someday."

I cant forget, I cant let this go.
And in case you havent noticed, I'm so sick of this.
I dont want to do this, I cant do this.
There's just this huge issue here, it's a problem I cant deny.

And you, I wish you'd stop blogging about me.
Because FYI, I'm always affected by what people say and the way they see what's going on in my life, as much as I dont want to be. So stop it?
And as if things in my life aren't screwed enough, and you havent noticed that I'm going through a really tough time, you're just making things a lot worse.
And I dont like it, I need to pick myself up, all over again.
Yes, it's that bad. So you either watch me do it, and catch me when I'm about to fall, or encourage me when I'm feeling down.
If all you have to offer is disappointed stares and discouraging words, then back off. Because you will be at the bottom of my needed-list.

Feeling frustrated and kicking myself on the inside.
There's so much I want to change about me and all that's happening.
Helpless, and God's the only way out.

[Self reminder, and no one needs to read this.]
DADDYGOD(: , keep my attitude and behaviour in check tomorrow.
I'm starting my plan proper and I want to stop procrastinating.
I want to know my value and stop doing the wrong things.
I want to listen to MUMMYdear(: and stop screwing schedules.
I want to stop having to apologise and start doing right.
I want to be pleasant and changing for the better every step of my way.
And all these, will take a miracle to fulfil.
DADDYGOD(: , I'm so gonna need You.
You've done it before, do it again, I need help.
I'll do whatever it takes, and Your will be done.
Amen. (:

2009-07-13T22:41:00.005+08:00

"What goes round the world, but stays in a corner?"

Things are gonna get better. (:

Thank you ALICE(: for being so helpful and encouraging, always.
No matter what happens, be it friendships, relationships or studies, I know there's always you to talk to.
I love the way you never fail to be there, the way you're just a call away and the way you share your problems with me.
Thankyou so much. (:
I have always loved and will always love you. :D

Thank you ELAINE(: for th real honest and honour-exchange talk too.
It was awesome getting to know the insides and sharing all my problems, with you.
I dont see how it is interesting, but thanks anyway. (:
I love you, too. :D

2009-07-12T18:57:00.003+08:00

"You better don't take out your phone, or else all your hair will drop!"

XINGQIN(: :
Thankyou, for guiding me along with self-discipline.
Your words, did wake me up.
And I, want to do better after this.
I want to balance relationship and friendship.
I know you wont trust my words now, but
I'll prove it somehow. (:
I'm sorry, and I love you, sweet! :D

Jesus, Take The Wheel
By Carrie Underwood. (:

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, take it, take it from me

Quinie was feeling kinda blue today.
And a lollipop cheered her. :D
And she thinks she be stronger now. (:

2009-07-08T17:00:00.004+08:00

It all happened so quickly. Then I stopped short, stepped back.

School passed pretty quickly today.
Haha, after all, Wednesdays are slack days.

By noon..
On surface, calm and serene.
But underneath peddle like crazy.
I havent set my heart and mind to rest.
I was, no doubt, composed.
But inside. Riot.

I think I tried too hard.
So.. Haha, give it a break.
I wont be, anymore. And not again.

And ALICE(: says, "All right, save it." (:

2009-07-07T22:03:00.002+08:00

Tough day. ):

You know what.
The weird thing is, I'm not mad at my mom anymore.
It's like, it's perfectly fine now.
We're okay again, talking and laughing as per normal.
It's crazy how family just fits back into place after you thought you are all through with each other.
Or like, maybe you've just given it up.
It just falls back into place in a day and everything's fine again.
I was thinking, I'd be mad at her for at least two weeks.
But we're already talking again.
Haha, alright.
I surrender, family will always be family.
I love you, (:

2009-07-06T22:13:00.000+08:00

A Whole New World. :D

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

2009-07-05T14:57:00.001+08:00

"Sickening."
Ehm, I think my mom just said I was sickening? O:

Today is the day I didnt care.

I cried when I felt like crying.
I made stupid faces and laughed with TIFFANY(: like crazy.
I thought of him when I wanted to.
I didnt hold back at all.
Feels good. (:

But you shouted at me in public, anyway.
Actually, it really didnt hurt me.
But I bet it did a whole lot of harm to you and your 'face', didnt it?
I dont care anymore, about the relationships between us, mother and daughter.
Because I realised the more i tried to pull us back together, the more we fought.
So I'll just leave it be now, whatever it becomes, let it be.

I'm sorry, I'm not perfect.
You know, I really wanted so much to be the best for you.
But I'm tired now, really.
With all these lashing out, restrictions and pain.
I'm so so sorry, but I'm letting it all go by tonight.
Letting go of your expectations, my hopes for us.
I love you, mom.
So sorry.

2009-07-04T14:27:00.006+08:00

The Prodigal.

Sure, it's my fault.
But is it that bad?
There's so much you're doing just to get back at me for what I've done.
What do you call this? Is it, overreacting?
I'll try not to repeat these mistakes again.
Talk about the prodigal son, a grace church..
And there you are, screaming those words over and over again:
Shame on you!
Ohh, look who's talking about being gracious and under grace now. (:

I feel like, i was the cause of someone's death.
Because th way things are going, it's like a punishment I'm facing.

I dont like it.

I'm not a criminal, not a prisoner, not a slave.
I really wished you wouldnt boss me about like that.
You tell me how I dont understand you.
Yeah, sure.
Well, here's the thing: Give it a break.
Because you wouldnt spend time hearing me out and trying to understand, I cant imagine myself going to that extend.
I know I'm not supposed to be saying all these, but I'm angry now.
It's gonna fade someday, we both know.
Like I'm gonna be all okay with you again.
But for now, you're making my life miserable, and i find displeasure in the new rules set aside.
You dont understand, how i feel.
You just want me to see how you feel.
Guess what? I know how you feel, I'm doing my best to be what i can now, to make you feel happy with me.
So uhm, so who's here to understand how I feel?
You must have forgottened the kind of feeling when you're so lost and in such pain; so much so you have to put me through it.
I DONT LIKE IT.

I dont want this to affect me and him.
And if it does, as much as i know i'll hate you for it at this very point in time,
i hope i wont blame you.

2009-07-03T22:21:00.000+08:00

A month.

Junction 8. Plaza Sing. Punggol Park.
And I love today. (:

I wont care what others say now.
Just as long as the one who matters will stand by me. :D

Omigosh. O:
I love you!

2009-07-02T21:48:00.002+08:00

A year ago, I believed I was the happiest girl in the whole wide world.
Thank you for that feeling at all, if it ever meant that much to you as it did to me.

I dont know if the way it ended was the way it should have been.
I'm sorry if it's my fault that you're hurting.

Anyway, I'd like you to know, that I thank you for the love we've shared.
The times we've spent together, the memories created.
I'll never forget them, I'll never forget you.
But soon, I wont be remembering you for everything we've had, but I will remember you, for all that you've been in my life.
You meant so much to me, and the way I could give me up to save you.
You showed me what to give and what to take.
Took my by my hand, touched my heart.
Moved with me, making sure we were aligned.
I wont forget the long talks and slow walks.
And the songs we sang together in your car.
I wont forget all the promises we've made to each other.
And all the thick and thins we've been through together.
I wont forget the places we've been to.
And the places we've talked about and planned to go.
Other than the fact that I'm loving you as just a friend and being a part of me now,
I won't forget. (:

2009-06-29T21:52:00.006+08:00

"Kooweenie Leem" !
STUPID. I'll make you wish like you will never want to be born un-quarantined. O:
Go fly kite. :D

"Fine. Lets see who can ignore who longer den."

Back to school day. =/
Everything felt so new again, but there wasnt much to get used to.
Except not being able to go out just for fun like holidays.

Trying to finish up holiday homework now.
So much more to go, D:
And my art, omigosh.

Fights. Just words, but breaking.
Sometimes, I wonder why.
For the first time, in a while.. Tears over a fight.
I'm confused.
And it's been the toughest period I've been through, taking where we are now into consideration.
Fights and arguments between us, internal warfare just within myself -fighting from losing who I really am, and making me believe you and everything about you without a shadow of doubt.
Sometimes, when your lines dont make sense to me, I just cant feel love.
What's wrong, what's right? Don't know.

2009-06-27T17:35:00.011+08:00

"So...are u still keepin to tt promise? ha ha."

I'm using the desktop in my study room.
For the first time, ever since PAPAsweet(: bought it.
And omigosh, the screen is like BIG.
So the words are like big, and makes me go like, whoa. *blinks blinks*
And I'm getting irritated over the small words in text messages now. Dang it. O:

I've been drawing and drawing since 9am.
I finished drawing two turtles. :D
They look pretty in shape, I think.
And I'm looking for urls of the photos.
I forgot to record them, so I might be charged.
These are times when copyright sucks bad. ):

Okay, so our guests are arriving soon, and my study room's looking like it's been through World War 3.
The whole house smells like Nasi Lemak and fish. ARGH.
I dont like it, because I'm not hungry now.
I havent finished my homework.
I havent started on Chinese, havent started on Chemistry, havent started on Emath. And I'm still halfway through with Art.
AWESOME. :D

I want to fly. (:

2009-06-26T18:55:00.004+08:00

EEYER.

Morning train down to Outram Park.
Squished, squashed, SEE-KUA-ARSHED all around, like left and right and front and back. D:
So every single time I lost my balance, I never made an effort to steady myself.
I just.. Just bumped and pushed and leaned and swayed.
Sigh. Working adults and morning peak hour crowds.

Michael Jackson passed on.
Shocking and sudden.
The last time I heard about him was..
When they said his nose was falling off. O:

Bus ride home.
Tired, kept dozing off.
And EEYERRRRR.

Home. (:

This is too much. I have to stop. Because when everything comes to a screeching halt, I'll stop the daydream, wake up and think; realise what's happening. Right now, everything's going so fast, it may be all too sweet to last. Should we go slow?

2009-06-25T17:12:00.005+08:00

SHENGHAN(: .
This is a deliberate emphasis of this chinese name.
An intentional attempt to irritate this person. :D

Alright, starting the post proper.
The day's been going fine, and I've been drawing turtles. :D

And hmm, we were going to talk things over, but I suppose we didnt.
Getting to know you more as days go by, feels good, really. (:
I'm starting to realise what all these are really about.
And I know our lifestyles are exact opposites.
And.. There are things about us which are worlds apart.
I can't be part of your night life just yet, and there are
so many things I can't do, or change, for you.
Because it's really not like me to do all those.
I've gotten way out of hand already.
And I'm losing myself.
Feels like I could be erased from here.
And it's scary to know I may not find me again.
Perhaps, you won't know what I mean.
It's an experience.
Like forgetting who you really are inside, then living in the shadows of someone else and losing your own thoughts and feelings.
I remember telling you I'll watch out for myself.
I'm going to keep to that now.
Before that, I'd like to say, I'm sorry.
Should you realise the sudden, and if so, drastic change.

Remember all I've said last night.

2009-06-24T14:35:00.000+08:00

"Just don't let your guard down, no matter what happens."
But you cant expect me not to get hurt that way.
Either way, this heart wont be protected from the pain of separation.
If i ever have to face it, that is. (:
But my point is, face it, then brace it.

Okay, I'm feeling ever so lazy.
With the mood to do nothing. :D
It's been a not so bad day so far, and I have lots of time to do thinking.
Did quizzes on facebook and dumped homework aside.
Gonna have to start on it soon. *sulks*

And the more i think about what I read on JOSHUACHEN(: 's blog,
the more irritated I get.
Maybe because I've always thought he was this okay kid,
with lots of discipline and all.
Only yesterday, did i find out I was so wrong.
And all i see now, is this JOSHUA(: who's carrying himself like a worm.
A worm with an impressive strength to push the blame and
clean himself of all the guilt, he knows, is feeding on his conscience.
I think I'm being a friend, to state it here so he'll find out someday
or we could ALL help him to find out. (:
Since he like to publicise things, I'll elaborate a bit further
so all of you get the full picture, okay?
Then he can change for the better and stop filling
himself up with self-pity, because it's unhealthy. (:
And try not to exaggerate the real situations and
express yourself as if you are the victim, will you, JOSHUA(: ?

Because you were the one who started the fling thing
when you were still in love with your ex.
And if you noticed, every time you told me, "i love you",
there hasn't been once I replied, "i love you too".
You want to know where you've gone wrong?
That is never to state your sad past and say that you're not over it
before telling the next girl all your lies about how much you love her.
Because no one would buy it.
So what actually happened, was that you, said you loved me,
when you were not over her.
Then you turn around and blame me?

Just FYI, dont talk about my ex boyfriends.
Because you dont have the right, you dont even know what happened between us, so dont say they all think the same.
Nothing happened to me, I'm still who I am, nothing changed.
All my emotions, feelings and thoughts, are all clearly written on my face.
So think before you speak, or blog.
Dont tell me it's your opinion, as long as it is offending, you are still at fault.
You're just getting what you deserve, how you lied about love.

And no one said you're a loser, wimp or whatever.
You are the beloved of the Father.
And in fact, a winner, i mean it, really.
You're not an asshole, you will never be. (:
But for now, you're behaving like an asshole.

2009-06-23T13:34:00.000+08:00

"Ok. Bye"

FED UP.

It's something I cant deny.
Is it me, or there is something wrong?
I really want to do something about this, but I cant tell what.
I know what I want, and I know what I wont do.
Perhaps I just shouldnt let my guard down.

2009-06-19T18:35:00.000+08:00

"I dont know."

Woke up to complete one drawing.
Then rushed off to school for choir.
Was talking on the phone the whole time. :D
Choir was okay.
Forgot my lyrics while singing solo, again.

Clarke Quay. SHENGHAN(: . Sticky sweets.
And the feeling on the way home, sucked quite a fair bit.

I'm going to miss you.

2009-06-18T17:53:00.000+08:00

EWW.

I had fun today, anyway.
Project didnt even last for half an hour. O:
Then watched Drag Me To Hell with XIUHUI(: , ELAINE(: , SHENGHAN(: and company. :D
SCARY show.
I didn't watch most of it. O:

That's about all. :D

2009-06-17T20:54:00.000+08:00

I'm walking and dreaming.
You're right there next to me.
Even if it was something unpleasant running through my head, I knew everything will be okay. (:
Everywhere we went, I have to say that all the wonderful memories created were captured and remembered.
Every little thing we saw or laughed at, talked about, smiled because of.
I had fun, and I'll miss it.

2009-06-13T22:24:00.000+08:00

"I can't believe you don't care."

It's been hell of a day.
Morning was already sickening.
But everything had to carry on.
GRANDMA(: 's lost so much weight, she looked so frail.
But she was still so cheerful.
She is going to be fine, she will be healed.
She will. And she must.

Everything I did, no matter how calm I was when it started off.
I'll still lose it in the end.
I don't understand what I'm feeling today.
It's one of a those days where it gets so hard just to to keep your cool.

He's right, I care.
And I cant do this.
I cant watch this happen and ignore it.
I dunno what I can do, I dunno how I can help.

2009-06-11T09:43:00.000+08:00

Recite, all the lies you've told to me.

Photo taking was not even half done.
I have to go for another session again another day.
But I had fun, anyway. :D
Just knowing you're there makes me feel safe.
And for that very same reason, I'll be strong.

2009-06-10T10:27:00.000+08:00

You were told you're the culprit, the cause of the pain he's facing.
But looking back, you can't see why and how.
He didn't care when he was having fun with that girl.
He didn't see you crying in rain, screaming in the cold.
You could have sworn you could loved him all your life.
You could have embraced this life without regrets.
Sadly, with his own hands and mind that you wouldn't consider selfless..

He had destroyed it all.
All the days you've been so certain of, all the time you could have spent together.
All that's left of you, are the memories of yesterday.
It cant be taken away, but what you feel cheated of is the future you could have had.

That aside, now you've got the blame.
How could it possibly have been..?
He liked her; that can't be just a misunderstanding now.
It hurts, the way it is.
You were so in love, so strong.
How could you have been pinned in just..

Just a second of the appearance of another girl?
Perhaps she's beautiful, she's smart.

And maybe she's sure of what she wants and exactly how to get it.
Maybe that's why you lost to her.
To make matters worse, he's given her every thing you possessed.

Every right of yours.

Whirling around, in the spot where my heart used to be, I realised it's too late now. I'm the loser in this story, so I'm stepping back and letting you go.
I'm happy now, and I dont want to be hurt again.
You meant the world to me, and I loved you so much.

So much so, I would have exchanged my life for yours, if it's gotta be just one of us.
So now, I will remember the places we've been together.
The protection, the love, the concern.
And everything about you. There's no way I can forget.
But I'm going to live with it.
And make sure all these hold no more meaning to me.
I was yours but you pushed me around.
Love you? I did.
And I guess.. It's
Over.

2009-06-09T13:03:00.000+08:00

"What would you do if i died?"
"Attend your funeral."

Morning sickness? No, not exactly.
I woke up with a bad tummy ache and damn messy hair.
And that message that says, "I __ __ __."

RUINED.

And so, i didnt have mood for amaths.
Went to get food halfway during th lesson with YINGJIE(: and JERALDYN(: .
Totally wasted time and got back to class late.
MRS.KOH(: was nice anyway, she didnt say anything and even offered to have another session with us. Like tomorrow. D:
Then I'll go mugging with YINGJIE(: .

Quinie, tomorrow will be better.

And KEVIN(: , you're so gonna go present-hunting with me.
Okay? Okay. Thankyou. :D

2009-06-03T18:07:00.000+08:00

"Shut up, and put yourr money where your mouth is."

Mood: Euphoric.

Something happened on the phone.
Then I saw XIUHUI(: at Serangoon Mrt station.
Slacked in class till we were late for Chinese.
Went for Chinese lesson.

Bishan; Lunch. Pizza Hut.
Then we went home.

TIFFANY(: and me made faces at JACOB(: while he wasted his cells.
Good luck to him and his next victim.

And sorry, I made you angry.
It wont happen again. :D

2009-05-30T11:25:00.001+08:00

I don't wanna be afraid, I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today.

Crossed-legged on the bed, leaning my head against the phone I held close to my ear.
I remember the way that voice was all I heard in the darkness; I remember laughing at almost everything I heard.
I remember fear fading; I remember laughing at stupid riddles and jokes.
I remember feeling secured and unafraid, even I wondered why.
I will remember.

2009-05-28T18:04:00.000+08:00

I take a step back, and let you go. Told you I'm not bulletproof, now you know.

I entertained a selfish thought:
Maybe sometime, I will fall in love with him.
And so I wont have to hurt everytime I hear about you and her.

It was hell of a day, really.
I didnt have the mood for anything.
And I'd like to say, I wish it wasn't your fault.
The impact must have been so hard.
I felt like nothing else mattered.

I didnt care if I had to walk to my classes alone, or go for recess alone.
Being lonely felt so insignificant, then.
I didnt care that someone talked about me and my book.
I didnt care that my teacher lost my Physics file, along with six months of notes and worksheets.

I'm not gonna hate, I'm not gonna complain.
I'm still going to love everyone around me.
Whether it is reciprocated or not, I dont care.
I will live life at my best.
I dont care, nothing matters now.
Because you are all that matters, and now you're gone.
And it hurts.

I will learn to let God be my pillar of strength.

2009-05-25T21:23:00.001+08:00

I know that you see what you doing to me, tell me why.

There is no such thing as unbearable pain.
Because if the pain really is unbearable, you wouldn’t feel it.
That is when you know it is unbearable for you.
It is nature’s way of protecting you from the hurt that you wouldn’t be able to take.
It is would be so painful that even your mind can’t register it, because it’s not in any record under the definition of ‘pain’.
There isn’t a scar that can’t heal too; it will eventually go away, no matter how bad it is.
It’s not gonna stay forever, and it will leave you in time.
But to be honest, it’s will take time.
It is all about a matter of time.
Some scars just don’t heal even until that someone vanishes from the surface of the earth.
Some just leave soon enough, or they still get better in time, at least.
It’s funny, how things work.
I still can’t come to terms with it.
Sometimes..

And I'm just afraid.
I can't lose you.
It's me in your heart, not her.
Or did that change with time?
Because we arent back together?
I dont want this to happen.
Tell me it isn't happening.
And if it is, please dont care to say it to my face.

Play! In The House.

2009-05-23T20:56:00.000+08:00

Awesome time of fun and praise and worship. :D

I had fun.

But BECCA(: didnt exactly spend much time with me. ): ):

I made a new friend though, her name's SHARON(: and her younger sister, BRIDGET(: .

We played the games at the booths together.

We redeemed our gifts together.

Went to change and had dinner.

BECCA(: 's parents sent me to the mrt station where I met the rest and we took the train home together.

CHARMAINE(: and JEREMIAH(: alighted at Dhoby Ghaut.

Oh, thankyou for the magazine. =x

JEREMY(: and MATTHEW(: were so funny on the train.

FAITH(: was all like, rolling eyeballs.

DONOVAN(: was really tired.

Reached home, MUMMYdear(: was waiting up.

I bathed, packed and went to bed.

Fun day. :D

2009-05-22T20:11:00.000+08:00

我要勇敢。因为爱你真的需要勇气。

Sports Carnival. It was quite okay.
Went Junction 8 for lunch after that.
Then got back to school, sat down to read.
After that, we got ready and started warming up for the Prize Presentation Performance.
Ooh, triple Ps. Okay, whatever.
We didnt do well, anyway.
Or at least that was what the teachers said.
And I dont know what I can do in choir now.

You've got me good, just like you knew you would.
Maybe I can just laugh instead of shattering and somehow keep it all from mattering.
But I cant forget, and it hurts.
Your kisses are like CPR, breathing life into me.
Your hugs are what holds me together when I'm broken inside.
Can you see me tormented and torn apart by these memories haunting me?
How am I supposed let go, when even I remind me of you?

2009-05-21T17:53:00.000+08:00

"Death is therefore a point in existence. It is not the end of existence."

School passed quite quickly.
Pepper Lunch with XINGQIN(: after school.
I tried a different one this time, it was nice also. :D

Well, life and death is part and parcel of life, right?
And so, moving on to a different realm or world altogether, would mean having to let go too.
Honestly, there's no easy way of letting go.
Not in any aspect at all; be it the departure of a loved one, or a relationship.
As life goes on, people learn but the pain never really goes away.
It's gonna get better in time, but healing completely?
Ever thought of having to live with pain for the longest time until you forget what's it like to have life without it? Scary as it sounds, many people are experiencing it.
I've seen the agonised expressions and tears of these people.
They are not crying for the sake of consolation or comfort.
They are trying to let it out, and hopefully, to let it go.
If sharing the pain was possible, I think the whole world could've felt it.
Because no matter how much a particular person can conceal, hiding the pain of the lost of a loved one would change his expression, perhaps for the very first time in a long while.
If losing someone close wouldnt hurt you, I dont know what will.
I, for one, will never want to feel that pain, ever.

TIFFANY(: can be so unreasonable and rude sometimes?
And I dont like it the way she's behaving, like right now.

The day after the Marking Day.

2009-05-20T20:37:00.001+08:00

Roll the credits.
I know you directed it, I'm sure I produced a bit.
I thought you were meant for me.
My name should be on that screen.
We weren't even at the end, but you started auditioning.
And let somebody star in my show.

School was scheduled to start at 8am.
And it did only slightly later.
But I felt like crying before an hour passed.
After school, it was just a short break before choir started.
Warming up and singing for the full dressed rehearsal was just as tiring.
And then we went for rehearsal and it was time to go home.

I'm going to do better.
I dont know how many times I have to try.
I dont know how long it's going to take.
But I'm not going to let go and give up.
Because God's my strength and you're my energy! :D

I didnt have much fun today.
But your message made my day anyway. (:
I love you.

2009-05-19T20:51:00.000+08:00

"Psalms and Proverbs."
The Bible Song totally rocks. :D

I'm looking for the song 'Falling' by Pocket Full of Rocks.
And I so freaking can't find it!
KEVIN(: , FIND IT. Pretty please. :D

Went out with MUMMYdear(: after choir today.
XINGQIN(: was with me at first, but sorry, I pangseh-ed you, bestie.
Wont do it again. ):

We had heart to heart talk over lunch, at Pizza Hut.
I see how much she's going through, and how much she cant let go of.
I want to help her ease it, but how much can i do?
She may be demanding and bossy at times, but she really has all our interests at heart.
She may be unreasonable, but it is reasonable she loses her temper having so much up in her head.
She shouldnt have to bear all these.
I would help her if I could.
You can hold these words against me, and yes, I'm here for you, mom.
I'll prove it, too. I love you. Mommy. (:

When we were so full and couldnt move anymore, MUMMYdear(: called home to ask KAKAK(: not to cook dinner for us. :D
We still went ahead with shopping.
I bought three tops, plus the two FBTs and a belt.
Cool, man! :D

Reached home, showered.
Fell asleep, till it was time for dinner.
HOHOHO, nice day. (:

2009-05-18T18:18:00.001+08:00

And I trade treasure, I trade fame, just to hear You speak my name.
I've been touched by You and I will never be the same.
I will never be the same for
I am falling more and more in love with You, my King.
My heart sings a song that even angels cannot sing.

School was so freaking cool with the 45 minutes paper.
Like, I woke up at 6am in the morning, and went all the way to Boon Keng only to see my lesbian partner, our dearest XINGQIN(: barely awake and with her hair like *insert something not so nice here*.
I was thinking like, I could've slept in, she was going to be late anyway. D:
After she got ready, we went to buy Soya bean drinks and her ~~hamjipeng~~ breakfast.
And so we were late to meet XIUHUI(: and the three of us, waited at wrong bus stops twice. =/
Went to school, sat for the Listening Comprehension.
Aww man, complicated news articles with stupid twisted questions.
Exactly how cool's that!
I had fun, anyway, haha.

I know that you know what I'm thinking and you know that I know that you know how I want it.
So why why why wont you just ask ask ask me?! It's just one question. GRAH.

Sleeping Child.

2009-05-18T14:00:00.000+08:00

Oh my sleeping child, the world so wild but you build your own paradise. That’s one reason why, I cover you sleeping child.

I realised how much I care for her.

I want so much for her to know I’ll be here.
Every time she needs somebody and every time she turns back to see if anyone is there waiting to smile at her and encourage her.
I will be that someone she could turn to for support, that very someone who would show her the way whenever she’s lost.
As I watched her walk further and further away, weighing every single step she took, I noticed how she turned back around every once in a while, smiling and waving as she walked some more.
I smiled back at her, but my smile, did not quite match her intention.
My smile, was a proud smile.
Because I’m watching her growing to learn more day by day, just as I am.
She’s another reason why I have to stand strong and not fall; she’s looking up at me smiling, stretching out her hand, waiting for me to take it and guide her along.

I see how she needs protection.
I want her to know every time she’s about to lose her balance, I’ll be right behind her to stop her stumble and steady her again.
And when she fails, I will pick her up again; I will bring her back up to where she should always stand, with her head held high.
That’s who she’s supposed to be.
When she cries because she’s hurt, I want to tear that culprit apart.
That feeling that tells you, “No, I’ll never let anyone hurt her.”
When she comes running home, reaching out for a hug after a long day, or when she’s sad, I want to be the one who will hold her till she feels safe again.
This is home after all, it’s how it should be.
She should never have to watch the fights within the four walls of this house.
Those quarrels that should be kept behind closed doors should stay where they should be.

I’ll prove how I’ll always be here, for always.
I love you, TIFFANY(: . So much! :D
Just as how we were bound to be siblings right from the very start.

Your innocence, you should always keep. I want to protect you from the pain and evil of this world.

2009-05-15T17:19:00.000+08:00

I left 1o marks worth of questions blank for today's paper.
Four comprehensions in two hours with super long passages.
Dear God, I'll do better next round.
I'll do it, for You and Your glory.

Okay, so after the paper, I went walking around everywhere with XIUHUI(: .
While waiting for XINGQIN(: to finish her Biology paper, of course.
We walked around the school, walked to 7-11, walked to Macs.. And back again, haha.
Then in the end we just sat down and talk while she sms-ed and took songs from my phone.

Went to Somerset with XINGQIN(: and XIUHUI(: .
Cabbed there. Oh, we got honked at by some driver cos we flagged the taxi and got on, at the junction. =x
We had lunch and took neoprints. :D
Then we went home.

Thanks besties, for this fun day. (:

2009-05-14T15:08:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling frustrated right now, and I dont have the mood for anything else.
I really really really want a fresh start, move to somewhere half across the globe, just meet new people and live a new life.
Or I'd like to go back and tell myself what I know now, and how I shouldnt make the mistakes I've made.

Two years ago, I was a player. Of the heart.
Yes, I meant flirting.
That only ended not too long ago when I woke up from dreaming and being in my own world and realised how much I wanted to keep him by my side like, forever.
Since four years ago, I made up stories of people I disliked and exaggerating facts even if they didnt happen. Through that, I got myself into heck loads of mess and problems. I spoilt impressions people had of me and made them hate me too. That didnt stop until early last year or so, I think.
But still, I regret it. A lot.
As much as this part of me that everyone else knew is living in everyone's impressions and memory, I'm changed. And for the better, I hope.
I'm on my way, and I know I'm gonna get there someday, I know it wont be easy.

I'm learning to stop procrastinating, to live through a day without regretting, to stay true and faithful to myself and my other half, to quit being flicker-minded.
And to see only the good points in everyone and ignore their flaws.
Because nobody's perfect.

2009-05-05T17:56:00.000+08:00

"Are your toes pink, again? Haha."
You actually remember. (:

Uhm, today was quite..okay.

After the exams had half an hour of E. Maths SSP.
Then Chemistry SPA-titration, I got screamed at because I put the wrong acid into the wrong instrument.
It was so embarrassing!
I bet I looked like a tomato. D:
I dont wanna be put through that again.
I hated her for a while because she dumped all my apparatus into the sink.
Then after that she talked to me nicely, asking if I know what I'm doing now.
Teachers are oh-so-temperamental. O:
Kidding!

I webcam-ed with NZ Liew for a while.
Stupid faces and snorting.
It was fun.
Thanks, :D

That's about all for today. (:

2009-05-04T18:43:00.000+08:00

Imagine having the fire alarm go off in the midst of an examination.
You are racking your brains for a word you somehow forgotten and you are rudely interrupted by that study alarm.
Losing your train of thoughts, you start all over again searching for thet word.
You knew it was somewhere, swimming, in the corner of your mind.
Suddenly, you hear this familiar voice over the PA system.
"This is a false alarm, please do not evacuate your classrooms. Thank you."
Imagine having a fire alarm go off in the midst of an examination.
It would be the most annoying thing to experience. Ever.

HAHAHA.

Uhm, so I had English Paper 1 and Chinese Paper 1.
Quite okay lah.
Geography SSP was quite fast.
Went to Student Mart with XINGQIN(: .
Then to photocopy Social Studies notes for XINGQIN(: .
Pepper Lunch with XINGQIN(: .
Walked to mrt with XINGQIN(: .
Home.

XINGQIN(: is the best bestie ever. :D

Take five!

2009-05-04T12:29:00.000+08:00

A strength driven by faith, carried her all the way to where she is now and lead her on.
She won't let herself fall; she didn't come all the way here, just to let go of it all. (:

We have so many memories, everywhere, all over this tiny island. Tell me where do I go, tell me where to start. And yet you play with me, those little games of yours, telling me you love me then push me around. I'm sick of it, don't play with me. I'm know I have to move on, but where do I go from here? It's like you are the scriptwriter of this play, and I have to go with your directions day after day. It's like we were falling apart yet somehow, we just stood there, watching. I need to let it out, this feeling is taking control of me, somehow a pain on the inside taking its toll on me. Somehow empty, yet filled to the top and brimming over. I feel all in all disconnected from this circuit-the world. Just a question on jeopardy: Do you still love me? Or rather, have you ever loved me? Why do I feel so upset? You are moving on fine, but I'm so trapped. I've tried hating you, but I wouldn't live with myself any more than now in that way. What do I do now?
You lift my feet off the ground, spin me around, you make me crazier crazier. Feels like I'm falling and I, I'm lost in your eyes.

We are rushing so much everyday.
It is so busy and on top of that a routine.
I'm so adapted to the routine to the extent I'm sick of it.
I'm trying so hard to find a way to like love this way of living.
I love life, adore it so.
But the way I'm living it, I'm sure I could do so much better.
If only I could decide how I want to lead this life.
I would be doing so much more, and living it to the fullest with meaning.
I want to be the one behind the wheel..
I'm needing someone, just anyone, to scream for the world to take five.

2009-05-02T18:51:00.000+08:00

It's the 2nd.

And service was all praise and worship.
And prayer; like 3 long prayers in a row.
It was fun, well, I had fun anyway.
Dinner with BECCA(: at KFC then PAUL(: came to join us.
Walked to City Hall.
Home.

That's all for today.

到目前为止，你快乐吗？
我们所经历的一切都摆在眼前。
你听到我心碎，你心痛吗？
每一次拥抱，每一次接吻。
你知道我想念你，你明白吗？
你答应我，永远在我身边。
我说我相信你，但你还记得吗？
那么，请问：你还爱我吗？

Can't tell this feeling.

2009-05-02T00:26:00.000+08:00

It's late, I know.
But I can't sleep.

I was out all day, and only got home by evening.
Started on Social Studies then.
Had dinner at my paternal grandparents, and I was feeling a little uncomfortable.
Like the kind of, 'you're-not-at-home-so-don't-behave-like-this-is-your-palace' feeling.
Oddity. I hope it will be gone soon, though.
Tomorrow will be better, right?

I dunno how I'm gonna take everything now.
I'm no longer looking far out and planning ahead.
I'm taking it all step by step.
It's right, anyway.
Tomorrow shall worry for itself. (:

I cant forget things that I have to, things that are not mine.
But I cant remember all that I have to, all that are mine to keep.

2009-04-30T19:33:00.000+08:00

"Thanks."
"No, I love you."

This is a new blogskin.
And I dont like it.
So it's temporal.
Or I hope, at the very least. =x

I dont understand Physics, and I have heck loads to study for it.
And I dont have much time now.
I havent started on Art too, and that alone would take days to complete.
I still have 3 Mid Year papers as revision, I havent started on any of them.
I have Social Studies on the top of the timetable, but mugging is still way down my To-Do List.
I have Chinese Letter Writing and corrections too.
But leave that alone for now, there's so much more to do. D:
This life is crazy.

A stitch in time saves nine.

...
I stuff the last two sets of clothes into my luggage and lock it up.
I drag it on it's wheelers all the way downstairs and and call, "Taxi!".
The cab come to a stop.
The polite driver get down the car to help me with my luggage.
On my way to the airport, I'm thinking I'll call him.
I tell myself running away won't work.
I remind myself there's too much to do and I can't afford the time.
The control tower of Changi Airport seems familiar but I cant remember when I last saw it.
Getting out of the cab, he greets me with that familiar smile.
Those eyes, again. The ones I cant forget. Ever.
With one hand, he takes mine and grabbed our bags with the other.
Tears twinkles in my eyes, as memories come back to reunite us.
I whisper the flavour of the tears: Joy.
He smiles to himself, and squeezes my hand.
We approach the lady at the counter and he said, "To Switzerland."
...
And the chunk of words you just read, is my daydream.

2009-04-28T19:41:00.000+08:00

Haze.

Passed away peacefully, 28/04/09.

Leaving behind Owner: Quinie and Tiffany, and family.

Goodbye, and I love you, Haze.

You'll always be in my heart; your curiosity, your unique character, your love..

Just everything about you. :(

And MOMMYdear(: fought with me again.

She was picking over the tiniest matters to squabble over.

I dont understand! >(

__________________________

MOMMYdear(: and I are okay now. =x Hehe.

She made me change the picture in my photo frame too.

Cos she said she looked ugly in it so she gave me another. O.o

Lols. And I'm supposed to be doing my homework. =x

Before I go, I'm gonna do what I promised NZLIEW(: .

Btw, nice name, right? He called me SG-Quin.

You deserve it! Haha, kidding lah.

Here it is, anws:

DADDYGOD(: , I commit all my loved ones into Your hands, and I pray that no illnesses or diseases that come against them shall prosper. And absolutely nothing will deny them of any blessings, protection, favour and grace! Amen. :D

2009-04-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

"Imagine he's standing right there."

Exhausting, like Delilah was nearby. Lols.
By the time I got home, I was drained enough to just fall flat on the floor and slip into ennui coma.
As if it wasn’t shown clearly enough that I was tired, I got shouted at, the very second I made it through the door, I didn’t think I would.
And guess what, it was because I didn’t call home to say I was ON MY WAY home.

A 15-minute delay resulted in being pushed around like an abused kid.
You know how much I don’t like be feel weak, and you had to put me in a position in which I had to lock myself together so I wont let any other emotion get me.
The way you pushed me, I could tell it wasn’t because of what I did.
The way you screamed hysterically let me notice you were just taking out your stress on me.
I’m human too, I have feelings like you do.
I’m tired too, just as much as you are, emotionally and physically.
To make matters worse, I’m facing much more than you know.
The way you share your troubles with me, and turn to me every time you have a problem..
I’m glad I’m the one you turn to, but who do I go to when I need to let it out too?
I used to have someone to lean on, but since he’s been gone, I’ve been standing alone.
Balancing when I’m about to fall, and standing up again when I do.
It’s an on-going battle, and I’m worn out too.
Can you feel the vulnerability? Can you hear the screams? Do you understand? No, no, no.
You said you respected my privacy, but how much are you showing it? By screaming at me and trying to open the door while I’m in the shower? Thanks. (:
I tell you it would be much appreciated if you stepped in and closed the door instead, but did you bother? No!
When I submit to you, don’t take it as sarcasm. Don’t tell me “that’s so fake lah hor”, I don’t need to hear any of that.
Don’t tell me things in a roundabout way, say it to my face.
Tell me about your love. I don’t feel it, so don’t humour me with those words.
I’ll tell you how much I love you, it’s all the way to the moon and back again. It’s like I cant imagine a day without you. And that’s not gonna change. I want you to feel it, too.
But I’m not gonna apologise now.
Because I’m only too sure of your response; you would mock at my sincerity, test my patience and challenge me in every other aspect.

Anws, I love you. And I’ll be here still, forever, and as always.

Call it a day.
And btw. Suddenly, I think I need to feel you here again. Just hold me like you always do, and dont let go till I heal.

2009-04-26T21:27:00.000+08:00

I dont understand.

Woke up late and arrived at church late.
Sat at Engwah.
Guest Speaker, Kenneth W. Hagin.
BECCA(: was late; I had 5 empty seats next to me for the first 15 to 2o minutes of service.
Awkward.
Anws, BECCA(: . I want to say this: I'll be here for you, as always. (:

TIFFANY(: had dance auditions, so MOMMYdear(: took me for some window shopping.
Well, supposedly window shopping. =x
We ended up buying a pair of shoes each, from Charles & Keith.
I got a pair of heels, MOMMYdear(: bought a pair of flats -the ones I knew she would buy, haha.
Went to Harris, Popular too! And they had clearance sale. Ngiak ngiak.
So three books, they looked interesting at first sight, so.. :D

Well, tuition was almost as per normal.
The air-conditioner was too cold.
Plus fever was too disturbing.

Got home.
Kicked the sofa by accident.
Had dinner.

That's all. (:

2009-04-24T18:54:00.000+08:00

And remember what you said last night.

I look a bit roasted. D:
Under the hot sun but soaked with soapy water to the max!
Car wash was quite fun, ELAINE(: and I washed about 2 cars on our own cos everyone else went somewhere else, haha. =x

School was quite fun, everything went well..
Or so, I thought.
Went home with XINGQIN(: .

Reached home and had dinner.
Did homework, went online.
That's about all that happened today. (:

I dunno why you came by again.
I'm sick of this confusion, you're coming at me over and over again.
Everytime you do that, I shed my defences.

2009-04-23T18:30:00.000+08:00

"Don't go?"
Is that a question?

CARWASH! :D
It was fun, but i got tired after a while.
Hehheh, I know, not enthu enough.
I will do better tomorrow. =x
And the carpark's bricks-flooring was so hot!
And everyone splashed water on everyone!
And I think the soap got in my eye, it's itchy and reddish now.
Aww man. ):

I have a question:
Would you risk the pain you might feel later on after everything's gone for love?

I mean, everyone will have a day when they have to leave everything behind..
Aint a random question, it just hit me when I was talking to STEPH(: .
She loves animals, but the reason why her father wont let her keep a pet is because he doesnt want her to feel the pain of having to lose the animal after it's short life here on earth..
Especially when bonds built are already strong, and they are inseparable.

So do people kiss dating goodbye and stop having close relationships with too many people because of the fear of separation?
Once upon a time, my answer was to keep going and going and save thoughts of the pain for later.
But then, regret kicks in and something will remind you of your past hopes of holding on no matter what happens.
Sometimes, I find myself blaming this someone for inviting me into his life at all.
But thinking back, I cant help but smile and I have to admit, those were also the best days of my life.
I blamed myself for having even to know that someone who meant so much to me.
For losing something so special, so close to me.
I put the blame on memories for reminding me of everything I once had, now lost.
I blamed people around me, for not understanding what this pain is like.
Blamed anyone to comes in my way or somehow make my day seem darker than it already was.
Even blamed God, for letting me handle the pain and feeling so alone because no one else is there to share it.
On the other hand, it's pure stupidity to give up on this thing they call love after you have been hurt once or twice, three times, four times..
Or to avoid getting close to anyone or sharing some love just because of the pain you could face later on.
Would you you risk your heart and the pain you might face for this love they say could mean everything?

2009-04-22T21:24:00.000+08:00

"You said it yourself, chemicals react."

What am i thinking again, now?
I dont know where I'm headed, but it's like this.
Perhaps when I do well, and achieve my targets in school, I'll be much happier than now.

I dont know how long more I'll stand without the love I'm looking for.
It's not your fault, but I dont know what I'm looking for now.
Ever felt like you could never fall for anyone again but when this special someone comes along, he might just make you stay?
Like the feeling of having two magnets click together..
Perhaps elements ignites, locking themselves in place.
I cant decide where I want to go, but I'll find what I'm looking for, somehow.

I'm far from reaching my dreams and I have no idea how long more I am left with to pursue them.
I always say I'll make it on my own, but as much as I do, I know I'm not showing it.
In reality, I'm not strong enough, like everyone knows..
Not just yet, I will be. (:

My English's standard is dropping.
I dont like the feeling.. The subject I was always the strongest at.
Feels so hopeless, or rather, helpless.
But I'll pick up soon, I promise. (:

I wont let anyone down, not my parents, especially.
I make it to a junior college, and through university.
If you see this, feel free to hold me onto my words.
When I'm starting to talk about giving up, just slap me on my face.
Yeah, permission given. Haha, O:

I'll make it through, watch me. (:
And DADDYGOD(: , guide me, lead me, walk beside me.

2009-04-21T23:03:00.000+08:00

I'm hardly even interested anymore..

School passes pretty quickly for today. (:
After school, SOIF(: helped me with Emath.
I understood everything he was saying pretty quickly.
And I'm glad I got it settled. :D
Thankyou, SOIF(: !

After that we left school..
Went for lunch first, it was funny how it felt like we were walking for hours because we were all so hungry.
We had Soup Spoon for lunch.
SOIF(: was so hungry that he almost ordered the Grande.
We were barely done with just regulars when we were all full, so thank God, no Grande. O:

XINGQIN(: wanted Ben & Jerry's so badly.
But the queue was like so freaking long, we all decided we would rather buy them ourselves next time.
We settled for Subway cookies, in the end.
It was then when we started on our crazy 'walkathon'!
Walked from Raffles City to Suntec Tower 4, to Millenia Walk to the office towers.
So my idea of the reflective surface around that area didnt work.
We ended up spending most of our time wandering around, looking for suitable surfaces.
SOIF(: had this genius plan of going to the Esplanade.
AND WE MADE IT. :D :D
I made XINGQIN(: and SOIF(: jump around so many times.
And they were of great help, even though they were tired already.
Thankyou so much, both of you. (:
I love you long time! :D

So I completed all I had to do for photography.
And I'm more or less done with homework.
I cleared my doubts for Math.

I like today the best, so far this week! :D
Haha.

2009-04-17T19:31:00.000+08:00

2.4km run at NYJC.
And I thought I was going to die while running the last round.
Completed it subconsciously.
With the constant cheering and dragging from YINGJIE(: .
I love you and thankyou so much, YINGJIE(: ! :D

Went Kovan with XINGQIN(: to buy her sushi after that.
I was practically, technically and literally dragging my feet.
And yeah, ALL THE WAY HOME. (:
Saw-weet!

That's all that happened today, actually.

I will be stronger, not frail like this.
I promise. Watch me. (:

2009-04-16T19:10:00.001+08:00

请你别把‘我爱你’这三个字常挂在嘴边。
口口声声说爱我，但你心理的意思呢？
我不懂，也不想知道。
等等，请问：你快乐吗？

I've never gone with the wind, just let it flow
Let it take me where it wants to go
Till you open the door, there's so much more
I've never seen it before
I was trying to fly but I couldn't find my wings
But you came along and you changed everything

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I am lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier

I watched from a distance as you made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue
And I wanted to know how that would feel
And you made it so real
You showed me something that I couldn't see
You opened my eyes and you made me believe.

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I am lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier oh

Baby you showed me what livin' is for
I don't wanna hide anymore
You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier crazier crazier

2009-04-16T18:20:00.000+08:00

"It's fearless." (:

I'm strong enough, I dont care if you think I'm lying to myself.
So things will get better, for sure.
No, things are already getting better, I should say.

But I failed my AMath test and am very much fed up, alright.
School was as usual.
Then I had Physics Test.
I dont know how I'm going to fare, like serious.

I hope XINGQIN(: 's fine, because we didnt talk much today.
And she was all quiet during recess, it didnt feel so good cos I'm kinda already used to that dancing and singing and acting silly XINGQIN(: .
I love you anyway, bestie! :D

And I carried everything that I left in school under my table home today.
Ended up looking pretty stupid.
Orange file -the Physics' SPA one-, with other textbooks.
I'm gonna have biceps if I have to do this everyday. D:
No, not really. Lols.

SYF's tomorrow.
Wishing all Chaunteurs, all the best. (:
And thankyou HWEESHIEN(: for the 'All The Best' message. :D

That's today. (:

2009-04-13T18:38:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. Really.
Not from school, not from love, not from fights..
Should I be asking myself why?
I dont know what I'm supposed to do now.
I cant talk to you like I used to, because voicing out isnt clearing things up anymore.
Instead, they are getting me into more trouble than I am already in.

So i, i slipped up again, screaming.
Except that this time, I dont have you here with me.
Yeah, I know.. Kinder in the long run.
Remind me.

2009-04-10T18:46:00.000+08:00

When are teachers gonna stop using parents as a threat?
Because every time they do, are the times when I wish I didnt have that weak point for them to pick on.
"I'll call your mother/father."
Not that it happens to me, but I often see how teachers do it then watch my classmates struggle to get what the teachers want, just for the sake of it.
It's crazy how I can habour the taught of banging the table and giving the teachers a piece of my mind just to wake them up.
It's the 21st century, times are changing.
But ways of discipline is still the same.
It's time for a change, in everything.
After a while, they will realise some things dont work anymore.
Everyone will get immune to it.
What's the point of having people do things just the way you want, just for the sake of it?
It's not gonna benefit them like how you think it would anyway.
Just a point of view. (:

And I'm barely done with Emaths test preparations.
But I'm so tired, so who cares.
I'm off to bed. =x

2009-04-09T18:30:00.000+08:00

I dunno what I'm gonna do next.
Not yet, at least.
S$8o, now THAT's a record.
And i can already picture what's gonna happen after MUMMYdear(: comes home.
She's gonna make me cry. ):
Haha, obvious.
She's gonna scold me, interrogate, throw, break, eat me. D:
It's just minutes from now, for crying out loud!

Thankyou for the car, in advance. :D :D

2009-03-29T18:11:00.000+08:00

I think I want to disappear.
Because I'm so sick of this life, my routine life.
I'm not lliving day by day, it's more like half a decade by half a decade.
And this is driving me crazyyyyyyy.

Things are gonna get better.
Right?
They are.
I know they will be.

2009-03-26T18:10:00.000+08:00

MR.NG(: is a respectable man. (:
My new target setting by MR.NG(: is all As by Mid Year.
He promised he’ll catch up with me again soon to make sure I made it.
And Jesus, I do this for you. :D –picked this phrase from ALVIN(: .

School was normal.
Kept falling asleep during Physics..
SSP seemed kinda quick.
Went for lunch with XINGQIN(: then we walked to the mrt together.
Missed two trains then went home.

I cant believe this yet. Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t protect you from the pain.. Sorry, you’re all crashed down and all I can do was watch you fall with deep regret and heartache. Sorry, I cant hold you anymore. Sorry, sorry I cant be forever gone, from your heart. Sorry for the memories, as much as I know they are whatever.

2009-03-23T21:25:00.000+08:00

I cant describe today.
It's just so many different feelings packed in this day alone.
I'm exhausted, but happy.

Mission accomplished.
~~I'm ready to die now, no regrets.~~
Nono, kidding!
I reject death before my time's up in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Hehe, =x

Well, TO XINGQIN(: .
Here is my mushy confession:
I LOVE YOU! :D
*blushes*

Well, the clique's issue is officially settled.
And yeah, I'm happy about it.
I'm so glad I went to buy crab! :D

???

Okay, rephrasal:
I'm so happy I accompanied XINGQIN(: to go buy ~~crap~~ crab.
Cos we talked so much on the way and thrashed it all out.
Phew, it's over now. :D
Besties forever!

I HATE MISSEILEENTAN(: . O:
Because she's gonna make me sing solo.
And today I keep getting told off.
"Quinie, sing this part." "Quinie, what is the note?" "Quinie, are you paying attention?" "Stand up, why you sit down?" "Dont stand here, stand there."
All i can say is, =.=

Soap on open wounds hurt like needles poking your flesh.
I can say that because I tried it. O:
I cant forget XINGQIN(: saying it's so disgusting till it's like, "there goes my dinner."
I hope she can still eat her crab. Amen. :D

My mom is totally dao-ing me because I made her angry.
And she didnt even ask about my hand. ):
I'm gonna try and annoy her to get her attention, still.
Hehe, kidding lah. :D

That's all for today! (:

2009-03-22T21:05:00.000+08:00

It's 2am and I'm cursing your name.

Today was the first day i served the Holy Communion.
I used to be just behind and preparing the elements.
Upgraded! :D Hohoho.
But I saw this man..
This man with a ~~-'you should-just-punch-me'~~ 'fierce' look on his face.
His attitude was totally..urgh.
He was the one who had to push his way past people just because he was holding the hand of this hot angmoh lady.
BECCA(: will know who he is! I talked about him for 3 hours straight right after that happened.

When I passed the tray, he stared first then took it.
Quinie's outward facial expression: Oh hello, it's nice to meet you here again! *angelic smile*
Quinie's inner thoughts: Why in the world do you have to sit in the section I'm serving?! Tough luck you've got, Quinie.
That man, you made me hypocritical today, even though i promised myself i wont be anymore.

After Holy Communion, he simply had to throw his empty cup into the plate I'm carrying.. -to collect the empty cups, yes..
BUT HE HAD TO THROW IT.
You think I'm a beggar who needs your empty cup to feed myself later?
Half of me wished he would just walk out of service banging every single pillar he sees.
The new creation in me wished him well, and that he would change.
I, for one, have to agree with the former.
Lols, just joking.
But but.. why is that man just so..?
Okay, over with it.

And so after serving, I went for breakfast with BECCA(: 's mom.
She looked so dazed, I could have sworn I almost freaked.
But BECCA(: ignored my message anyway~ (Quinie is hoping BECCA(: sees this, hehe.)
Then we talked for a bit and then went on our separate ways.

Lunch at Burger Kings.
I vomited without eating, HAHA.
Lols, whatever.

Tuition.

Skipped dinner.

That's all for today! :D

2009-03-20T19:06:00.000+08:00

"Let it go, let it go."

I decided, not to hide anymore.
I will just let the rumours take off, i wont avoid anything or shun anyone.
I could even be the one sending the rumours out, maybe giving the wrong impressions for the fun of it.
Right, heck no. I'm just kidding about the wrong impressions part!

I did a lot of thinking on my way home..
Came up with these:
Worst thing ever done, poke a caterpillar on its head several times just to see it stick out its tongue. (Maybe, it wasnt even a tongue.)
Most stupid thing ever done, fall in love with a guy from California.
Sweetest mistake ever made, kept running hand in hand with him and got hurt in the end.

Quinie wont admit her situation's hopeless and helpless.
She cant let go, even though she wants to.
She knows it's time to move on, but she needs help with this now.
Someone take her hand and guide her.

She wants to:
#1. Be the best friend ever, not hurt XINGQIN(: or XIUHUI(: . Love them, hear them out, care for them, and always be there.
#2. Never get involved in gossips ever again, never talk about anyone behind their back.
#3. Ignore rumours and dont hide away. Just be oneself and keep going forth and out! :D
#4. Let go of all the pain.
#5. Grow in Christ and lead more people Him and be deeply rooted in the Gospel of Grace.
#6. Never lie about forever or hurt loved ones.
#7. Know when to speak the right words.
#8. Marry an angmoh pastor. (Kidding! :D)

That's all for today.

2009-03-19T21:22:00.000+08:00

"Owl! Look, daddy, it's an owl!"
"No, it's a bat."
"=.= , which bat stands upright, you tell me."
"Today the bat in good mood want to stand upright, cannot ah?"
Today, i saw an owl.
The first time in my one and a half decades.
Probably one of the most interestings days of my life.

Reach school, choir.
Choir sectionals.
Then walked XIUHUI(: to bus stop and walked back to find ELAINE(: .
Walked here and there then decided to go home for lunch.
Came back to school by about 3pm.
Toured the school to look for the SSP venue.
Found MISS.ALICIA(: , asked her about SSP.
She went like, "SSP is oh-ver." (yeah, in separate syllabus to show her displeasure.)
But then she said it's okay and that she'll find out what can be done to help us.

Walked back to Serangoon Central with ELAINE(: .
We bumped into VANESSA(: and so we sat and talked while ELAINE(: ate her McFlurry.
Left Macs and went to Shop and Save to buy ELAINE(: 's stuff.
ELAINE(: got 3 standard faces, I noticed.
Haha, :D .

And I want to protect all the people I love.

2009-03-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

"Don't take anyone's shit for being who you are and never let them take you alive."
I suddenly like ELAINE(: better than I used to now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XINGQIN(: !

And I'm learning great lessons on how being mean and taking revenge won't help me in any way.
I realise evil thoughts are almost as bad as doing it because the guilt still haunts you, for habouring that thought at all.
It's time I do better in life, I'm not good enough.

Went to NUS art museum, drew six drawings of sculptures really fast but still ended up one of the last to finish.. =/
The way the drawings turned out, I was honestly pretty disappointed with myself.
But I got over it quick.
Because ELAINE(: was too distracting with her issue with Guitar Hero.
Haha, :D .

I skipped Physics SSP today.
Wasnt quite in the mood also.
Went out with FAMILY(: , to ktv. Had fun singing and laughing and dancing.
TIFFANY(: was one crazy cheerio, she sang songs like: Womaniser, London Bridge, Fergalicious, etc etc.
She's nine going on ten, by the way. O:

Hmm, that's my today! :D

2009-03-16T21:13:00.000+08:00

"You like smileys and rainbows but I don't."
It just makes me realise, i dont grow up.
Or perhaps I just dont want to.

I will walk by faith and carry the cross of Jesus.
I will be happy and strong on my own.
I will do my best in studies.
I will keep smiling and shining, whether you like it or not.
I will not be close to any guys in school anymore.
I will keep believing that Mr. Right will be here.
I will learn to let go of things I hold too tightly onto.

In the name of Jesus.
Amen. (:
Guide me, lead me.. Walk beside me.

2009-03-13T22:12:00.000+08:00

“I dnt quite think we’ll patch bck up… :-(”
It's Friday, the 13th.
And obviously, a pretty unhappy day for me..
I know you cried.
But you don’t spare a thought for me.
What’s your reason for those tears?

I don’t understand why you told me those.
Your stage lines are changing ever so often.
I was so upset with you, really.
I’m going to stand up strong again.
I want to show you I’m strong.
And someday, when you see me flying free..
I wonder what you’d be thinking.
I hope you’ll praise me for my courage and strength to carry on.
I want you to be able to look back and feel that you lost something precious, and not feel a relief that you managed to get rid of something.
As what LIZ(: said.

Thank you, ELAINE(: for the smiles and laughter and words of ‘waking up’. :D
Thank you, JOSHUA(: for the ‘smiley war’ and tons of encouragement! :D
Thank you, LIZ(: for the sense talk and funny comments. :D
Thank you for understanding, XINGQIN(: .
I love all of you! :D :D

LIZ(: said she’ll knock me to my senses when she sees me.
I don’t think I want to see her now, as much as I miss her. ):
LIZ(: said I kiampah.
Then she say I steal her KEVIN(: so I shouldn’t talk back at her.
Taoyan~

JOSHUA(: promised he wont do emo stuff again.
Breaking his promise would mean he’s a pig with lots of pimples.
This post shall me the proof of all he’s agreed too. :D

ELAINE(: promised not to call me that weirdo name again.
Shant post it here because it’s obviously too freaking embarrassing. =x
ELAINE(: was laughing like mad and suan-ing me.
Then ELAINE(: went off to play her Wavivi aka Viwawa. :D

That’s about all tonight!
Goodnight. (:

2009-03-12T18:01:00.000+08:00

"Tell me why, you're so hard to forget. Don't remind me, I'm not over it. Tell me why, I can't seem to face the truth. I'm just a little too not over you."

I dont wanna go back to school during the holidays.
I'm going to bomb the staff room. :D
Every single day must go back, still call what holiday. ):

It's haunting me.
That feeling..just wont leave me.
I'm thinking about you everytime i close my eyes.
Tell me how, how to begin to let go?
Where do i start to forget..
From the time we started talking?
I hope someday, I'll forget your name.

The punishment for lying about forever, is tha pain that comes thereafter.

2009-03-11T17:45:00.000+08:00

I'm sick of being unheard, unseen.
Or rather, being ignored.

You dont know why you're feeling this way but you know..
That only person, he's gone.
The only person who promised you security.
The only person who would hear you out, who would look at you with those eyes.
The only person who will laugh at your every joke even when they dont make sense.
The only person who would hold me when you cry, because he knows that you heal fast that way.
The only person who knows when he should touch you and when he shouldnt.
The only person who wouldnt leave you alone..
He's gone.

I want this love to come by again.

2009-03-08T19:22:00.000+08:00

Project Vibrant Colours’ Training, last day.

I fell.
I dont wanna be clumsy, but i always am!
I reject any clumsiness in the name of Jesus! :D
I wanted to laugh when I first fell, and just brush it off as plain embarrassment.
But my lower back was hurting like craaaaap and i couldnt do anything.
The best part was, the first thought that crossed my mind as soon as my left butt cheek hit the wooden flooring: Oh no, can I still have kids in future?
So then, weird people crowded around me and asked me to stand up, bend down, lie down and all sorts of instructions at one go. And so, I got so pissed I simply went, “I know what to do.”
Who cares what they will think anyway. Lols.

Anyway, I was sent to YS Teo clinic.
Medical cert covered only a day of duties. =/
MR.LIM(: came to send me home later.
PAPAsweet(: was so worried until he waited downstairs.
RAYMOND(: texted me, SO’IF(: called me. Just to ask if I was okay.

I went for tuition anyway, after a quick shower.
I turned up at tuition almost half an hour late.
MR.YONG(: asked me how come I made it for tuition in the end.
I told him, “Because I fell down. So I can come here.”
JOSHUA(: laughed.
I took out my sweets I bought earlier, to entertain myself.
JOSHUA(: laughed.
I gasped when I saw 84grams of carbohydrates.
JOSHUA(: laughed.
MR.YONG(: picked up the sweet and said it was rubber band; examined in some more then put it back.
JOSHUA(: laughed.
I made JOSHUA(: eat it later.
JOSHUA(: laughed.
JOSHUA(: took my sweets and ate them in a sorta weird way.
JOSHUA(: laughed.
CONCLUSION: JOSHUA(: LAUGHES TOO MUCH.
But he always tells me I laugh too much.
O: Shoot him.

Went to eat at Sakae with FAMILY(: .

Nice day! :D

2009-03-06T20:47:00.000+08:00

"I'm carried in everlasting arms, you never let me go. Through it all.. (: (: "

School was zzz.

In class I was all like, ... .

During lunch with XIUHUI(: , we shared a box of Nachos and a large slurpee. Didnt finish both in th end. And even have to play a few rounds of scissors paper stone and make th loser eat one piece. I didnt win much, so.. Lols. I still cant believe using a few rounds of scissors paper stones was my idea.

During choir, singing was like, x_x .

Way back home with XINGQIN(: , I was like, :D :D .

When I told BECCA(: i cant go for dare and Sunday service, I'm like, T-T . Because to start off with, I was going to this PVC thing for th fun of it. Now it's become a bitter sacrifice. My dare service, my Sunday service. DADDY(: , WHY?! It's all my fault anyway.

Anyway, thankyou XINGQIN(: , YINGJIE(: and JETAIME(: for th hugs. (:
I felt so much better after that.
I suddenly remembered this, "Shine your light, be that city of light. Come on(?), shout out loud. Time to let it out, it's your light in me, for all to see."
It's a song, one we sing in New Creation Church. (:

And thank you, DARREN(: for being so understanding. (:

"I will wait just like how I did." "Until you make up your mind." "No, baby."
Keep me away from the pain. I'm tired, and sick of this. Sometimes, I feel you're the only thing between peace and pain. You're the only person who can make me cry right now. Completely at your mercy. I dont know what I've done wrong, I dont know what to do now.

2009-03-05T21:46:00.001+08:00

"I still love you."
Tell me what you want.
Tell me what you're driving at.
I'm going crazy just thinking what I should do.
I dunno what I want right now.
I want to do well in school, I want to know what's up in your head, I want to know why you are coming back to me then going away again.
I dunno what's going on, I dunno what to do.

Anyway, I'll still go ahead with this-

THIS IS A PUBLIC APOLOGY:
I have a correction to make, regarding th part of a recent post about DARREN(: .
I meant that in any way, I would never lower myself to th level of asking anyone to go steady first.
Whether you think it's ego or whatever, I just wont.
Because im not that daring and because im not that confident.
It's not that DARREN(: 's horrible or ugly or whatever.
Honestly(it's seriously my opinion), he's got a gentlemanly character and isnt bad looking at all.
So please, dearests. Maybe my phrasal was a little wrong the last time.
I just meant I dont like th way they talked about me.
It's like they simple had to make up something about you.
My sincere apologies, to DARREN(: .
I dont suck up anymore, so this is what i mean and meant, for real.

And to BRYAN(: and SAMANTHA(: , dont get me wrong.
Because please, I NEVER MEANT IT THAT WAY, JUST FYI.

2009-03-03T19:42:00.000+08:00

"The emotion that can break your heart, will be the very one that would heal it."

Sometimes I feel like my parents can really rub things in really well.
I want to be happy when I see them, I want to be close to them.
But whenever I tell them something about me, or about what's happened, they have to oppose it.
If it is something good, they'd rebuke to whatever I've just said.
If it is bad, they'd rub it in.
And it really is upsetting.
All I'm trying to do is to keep in touch with family and not shut myself away.
No matter how hard I try, I realise I cant do it.
Perhaps, I'm just not good enough.

Reached home late.
Got scolded then suaned all the way until dinner was over.
Then I had peace.

Today was one of th worst days of th..week! :D
Thing will get better.
Because Jesus, I'm running after you! :D :D

I'm feeling mixed again. Wondering if you have forgotten. I dont know what you're thinking and why you've gone. When you stepped out quietly, I prayed for a quick silent death. I, too, would like a gunshot through my head. A quick death. It would all be over. How far out am I? I hate the feeling you give me. Confusion crossed paths with anguish and sadness. It's all crashing down on me. Just when I thought I'm fixing it all. What's it now? I want to know. You're halfway back but then you're backtracking again. You're closing in on me, then in a blink of an unicorn's eye, you've gone and I'm standing here all alone. Yet again. Come back. The light's blinding my eyes.

2009-03-01T14:23:00.001+08:00

"Are you sure you arent going to a funeral?"
"Hello? Who crashes a cheerful party, a wedding, with goth clothes?"
You know what?
Here's the thing: I wear what I like, I like what I wear. (:
Yup, that's what!

THOMAS(: & PEIXIAN(: 's Wedding! (: (:

CHARMAINE(: , I want the pictures! :D
It was so cool lahs.
I watched th entire ceremony, and watched them kiss!
Like that: O.O Kidding!
After the solemnisation, we left Singapore Marriot Hotel.
Went for dinner with FAITH(: .
Had BistroDeli.
They had whatever we wanted to eat all sold out.
I ate some kinda capsicum oven backed rice.
Like, EWW.
But still, what an experience! :D

All in all, it was a wonderful day!
I love my shoes! :D

2009-02-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

Everything's okay now. (:

I havent do my art. And I'm like slacking all the way.
I shouldnt, I know.
But I cant really help it.
I'm not exactly used to this busy life yet, where there's no room for play.

I havent started studying for tests yet.
And tests are like starting official this coming Tuesday.
I didnt procrastinate, I was either too tired or too busy. =x

CCA is was said to have a maximum of 5 hours weekly.
But now, we have like 8 hours or more.
What's MISSEILEEN(: 's excuse? Oh, SYF.
Shuddup. SYF, so?
SYF means studies not important lahs?
It feels like CCA is studies and studies is CCA now.
We werent even allowed to go for the talk where NUS lecturers aka Physicist and Chemists came to our school. Her excuse? SYF lor.
And teachers like to give us so much homework.
They say it's just a little bit plus we have so much time to do it and that we shouldnt be lazy.
But with school hours up till at least 4pm and even sometimes 6pm?
Do i look like supergirl?
And if every teacher gives "a little bit" of homework and gives the same reasons as to why we should finish our homework? What does that make?
PLUS, recess is so late, yet short and lunch time is so short, what's the use of producing scholars while scholars are in poor health?
Why dont MOE just thinkthinkthink!
Use your brain, use your brain, use your brain.
Why dont teenagers deserve their carefree lives before going out into society, before seeing the real evil world where there is so much to know of and think about?

I'm still living my fairytale alive though.
What can i say? I'm plain hardcore. (: (:

2009-02-18T22:59:00.000+08:00

I felt like asking you what was your fucking problem.
You're running about the house like you have been demon-possessed.
I don't care if you leave us now, family has ceased to mean much to me.
I might cry for a little while then it will all be over.
I will be able to laugh in your face with true happiness.
I just dont want you to hurt my mom, or my sister.
I don't care if you hit me.
No, I should say, I dont care if you kill me.
Yeah, that's how much I dont care.
Because I DONT CARE.
Just dont hurt my sister, and dont hurt the woman who raised me.
Because then, I will NEVER let you off.
I wont hesitate to call the police.
I dont care what will happen anymore.
I'm just gonna make sure everything goes MY WAY. (:

2009-02-18T21:26:00.000+08:00

Homework homework homework. D:
I've got so much homework left! Sigh.

You have always been someone I cant get off my mind.
Because there's something we havent solved.
Sometimes, I feel this way; yet sometimes, I contradict myself.

And you, burying the hatchet has never been the best solution, has it?
Nono, it was never an option.
So what do we do now?
Raking up the past seems to be doing us harm, and that's about all it does.

People, I've never asked DARREN(: for stead and I would never do such a thing.
Please understand that I dont like to be lowered to that level and I would have to say, more respect will be deeply appreciated.
I'm not the kind that's desperate to that extend.
Platonic talks, smiles and waves are just friendly gestures, yet people always get them wrong..

I dunno if me and her, whether we are still friends now..
Because I'm always at fault and you know I don't like to be accused.
Even the one who was sitting next to me could witness what has happened.
Yet you went all the way and behaved like you were right.
I dunno how i should go about salvaging this.
I dont even know if you care or would want me to.
Maybe I should just wait and see..

And you, I thought you were my friend.
So I told you things but you turned around and told the rest.
I'm kind of pissed off now, because i never knew you were like that.
I'll just have to be careful with whatever I say from now on..

Friends are fading, in a way or another.
Or maybe it's me, pushing everyone away all together.
But still, I want YOU back.

2009-02-16T20:50:00.001+08:00

I forgot to take a hug from YINGJIE(:. =/

Well, the day's been going on pretty badly.
Major major..
Let's speak of a hypothetical case here.
Wendy claims she will be there always, but the way she's been showing her 'support' has been relatively offending in all aspects.
You decide you can take this no more.
But she tells you her parents doesnt want her to hang out with you because supposedly, you could be of bad company.
In a fit of anger, you told her you'd never to go out with her again.
She tells you, "Yeah, you said it yourself." -She doesnt care.
You wonder why either of you could say such a thing, but then you realise you dont regret it.
You wonder if you're a true friend.
Then you replay all that has happened and realise, your real friends, have always been there..
Waiting for you. But you never saw them..

The day couldnt have been worse, if this case were true.
Or at least, I think.

2009-02-14T21:54:00.000+08:00

You held me within your grasp so tight, so much so that I lied.
But I'm held responsible for every single mistake her and to shoulder all the blame I can ever get.
You don't notice how hard I try to be good, and even if you do, you won't acknowledge it.
However, you seem to be able to spot and single out every of my wrong doings.
I realise I can never be right; but so? What does that bring me to?
Honestly, I can't care less about how you said you will not choose to trust me anymore.
I won't bother talking too much either.
Because whether I try to explain or not, it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference.
Either way, you wont listen.
I won't bother trying to gain your trust, too.
You wanna trust me because you know I'm your daughter and you decide that even prodigals deserve another chance, then that's great.
If not, I don't think I need it more than I do now to survive.

Now I know how much I rely on family.
Not too little to pretend nothing happened, but not so much so it would knock me breathless.
I'm glad I didn't feel like I have to die.
But a couple of scratches of a friendly scissors to remind me how much I've suffered tonight.
The tears won't tell you much now.
Because to you, they could have been easily passed off as crocodile tears.
No matter how much agony or pain they carry.

By the time the clock struck twelve, I'm back in rags.
A caressing thumb across my cheeks to remind me I have comfort, always.
A warm hug that assured me arms would be there to catch me, should I ever fall.
Light breath against my hair and soft music, my ideal place to rest.
I told you to lie to me, to draw me fantasies.
You said you will never lie; that those gentle words were the truth, they would always be.
I smiled to myself as I finally drift off to sleep.. I felt your smile too.
The one smile that makes me know that I'm loved.
And then subconsciously, I'm memorising your heartbeat.. My lullaby.

2009-02-10T19:29:00.000+08:00

School was quite saddening today.
My art works had so many mistakes.
So far, I've failed Amaths because of 2 stupid mistakes, Physics because of no units, Chinese because I didnt memorise the words I was told to memorise.. ):
I dunno how to tell MUMMYdear(: now. ):

Early nights these days..
And almost too tired to act all hyped up now.
Because sleeping more makes you more tired. =.= Lols.
I almost fell asleep during Physics again.
Could have sworn I was damn pissed with my heavy eyelids.
YES, they were heavy.. I know, I only have single eyelids.
I need you, but I cant say.
I'm thinking how to deal with the things around me and about me.
I wondering how long it will take me to figure out this winding road.
I wont rest till I get what this is all about. (: